Generally speaking, I like to be on good terms with the people I meet. So, whenever I don’t see eye to eye with a fellow human being, I usually prefer to just let them be. I don’t care much about putting my time and energy into trying to convince anyone of anything, if that person doesn’t truly give the impression that they’re interested in considering a different perspective. Also, when somebody can’t be bothered asking the right questions, I’m not particularly keen to offer answers. There have been numerous situations in my past when people told me that they wanted to hear what I had to say, while I was considerably sure that they’d change their mind rather quickly if I’d actually start talking. And, of course, let’s not forget that we’ve likely all met certain individuals who showed little willingness to listen, mentally process, as well as appropriately respond to whatever another person had to say, meaning that they weren’t actually interested in having a real conversation with pretty much anyone. Ultimately, whenever I don’t see a point in getting involved, I do my best to stay out the occasion. Then again, as you might have already guessed, there’s a BUT coming your way.
When somebody enters my turf, meaning a coaching conversation, a seminar I facilitate, a social media channel that I communicate through, or any other setting that calls for me to speak my mind, I’m not necessarily known for having little to say, let alone downplaying my point of view. However, as I understand it, being confident about one’s own skillset and experience shouldn’t stop anyone from keeping an open mind. I like to be clear that I never expect my opinion to be the only relevant one in the room and that, naturally, there are limits to my knowledge. Outside of my areas of expertise, I very much prefer to listen and learn from those with more pertinent experience. Also, in those areas of skill and knowledge that I identify with the most, I enjoy learning from whomever is able to offer relevant pieces of information. Quite often, when it feels to me like I already know whatever there is to know, I push this feeling aside and focus on finding out if there is a way for me to be wrong, or a perspective that can teach me something that I’ve overlooked so far. This particular attitude hasn’t come to me through the world view that I’ve been raised into. It’s part of a mindset that I’ve developed by comprising many perspectives, beliefs, as well as patterns of thought. In a manner of speaking, it’s a mental tool that I’ve consciously constructed, implemented, refined, and diligently trained over the years.
So, there are certain times when I’m rather reluctant to speak my mind, as well as other situations when I consciously choose to share as much information as I can. And, there are some occasions when I don’t feel that I have the luxury of being able to keep my mouth shut. As soon as I get the impression that not taking a stand would go against my values and jeopardize my integrity, I’m rather unwilling to hold back. This doesn’t necessarily mean that I cannot be diplomatic. I’m quite capable of getting along with most people who I disagree with and ensuring that having a conversation with me is perceived as a predominantly pleasant experience. While I prefer to be rather clear and straightforward, I generally avoid to affront people for no good reason. Still, this can be a grey area and certainly a question of interpretation. One person’s contribution to a discussion can easily be another person’s insult. As much as I’d like to pride myself to be a conscious communicator, l can’t always get it perfectly right, not least because my way of dealing with life on a daily basis contradicts a lot of people’s habitual viewpoints and beliefs. So, at times, people have a problem with what I do or say, and therefore with me, just because certain approaches I take aren’t aligned with how they’ve been handling their own everyday reality as of now.
Of course, this is hardly surprising. A lot of people’s lives are largely driven by a strong need for approval, to be provided either by their immediate environment, or society at large. The degree of willingness that certain individuals show when it comes to putting up with other people’s horse crap can be astounding. Sheer hope for being remunerated through the currency of acknowledgement can be a strong motivator, even when the desired payments repeatedly turn out to be meager at best. So, whenever a person tells me that they always get along with everyone, my inner alarm bell goes off. People who are genuinely convinced that they never trigger any negative emotions in other people, not even in those individuals who try to control their environment by taking everything personal that isn’t aligned with their own agenda, tend to have more than one shabby skeleton in the closet when it comes to authenticity and genuine self-expression. Never ever ruffling any feathers with anyone is rarely a good sign, as this is usually accomplished through cowardly hiding one’s true self behind a mask of social conformity.
A lot of people, including me, have been taught to believe that attracting, let alone provoking, pretty much any form of criticism, rejection, or hostility is to be considered a bad thing. During my childhood and youth, I’ve experienced many situations when I was essentially told to keep as low a profile as possible in order to prevent people from taking any of my actions or behaviors the wrong way. As long as I can remember, I always felt like there was someone breathing down my neck, ready to question my motives and tell me that I should either see or do things differently. The more interesting, relevant, or meaningful an opportunity appeared to me, the more likely it was that somebody from my immediate environment would try to dishearten me and prevent me from pursuing it. Working creatively, building a business, as well as writing about personal growth is certainly not a valid option with this kind of imprint. Therefore, I developed a distinct eagerness to rid myself from that kind of influence.
The vast majority of people aren’t even aware how much certain limiting perspectives that have been imposed on them during their upbringing are still affecting their self-expressiveness today. Ironically, it’s often those people who supposedly love us the most who want us to be similar to them. They want our behavior to be aligned with how they picture us in their minds, and, they might be strongly convinced that this picture is an accurate representation of who we truly are. It can easily feel uncomfortable and even wrong to disappoint or disillusion these people. In other words, it can feel wrong to do things that make them feel bad, cause them emotional pain, or lead to them having any kind of problem with us. Therefore, we might feel coerced to compromise, often for years and years, without even being fully aware of this habitual pattern.
I’m pretty sure that each and every significant decision that I’ve reached over the course of my life either made certain people feel considerably uncomfortable, or would have made them uncomfortable had they been aware of me making this decision, as well as understood its implications. Also, I have reason to believe that most of these people would feel inclined to disagree with such an unmitigated statement. As far as I can tell, none of them knows that I have a personal list of crucial life decisions in my head that I use as a tool to stay focused on what’s relevant and useful to me. Some of them would likely be shocked to learn how little they know about what I actually consider important, but also, how frustrating it was for me to grow up in an environment that, from my point of view, never offered me an overall perspective on life that I’d be willing to call meaningful.
Maybe, your life story is different from mine. Maybe, the people who raised you were more supportive of your individuality, and approved of a lot more of those things that you actually wanted to do. Or, maybe, you’ve never had a close enough look at your psychological setup to become aware of the limitations you’ve assimilated during your childhood and youth. Maybe, you’ve learned to completely identify with the imprints you’ve received, so you don’t even experience certain restraints as limitations. Or, maybe, you’ve been taught to never care too much about what other people think, so what I’m going to talk about next will turn out to be highly compatible with the kind of world view you’re already familiar with.
There’s a modern German idiom that loosely translates to: “Everybody’s darling is everybody’s fool.” Whoever came up with this catch phrase had a valid point. The thing is, if too few people have a problem with you, this might indeed tell you that you’re not living up to your full potential. How we’re being perceived by other people can’t always trigger the same positive feelings as riding unicorns and finding gold at the ends of rainbows. Living authentically and unapologetically to the best of our ability usually means that there’s always somebody who’d prefer for you to do things differently, no matter if that person is even part of your life, let alone relevant to you, or not. The way I’ve come to see it, some people appear to be constantly eager to take an issue with you, often for the dumbest reasons imaginable.
People have questioned my choice of toilet paper, as well as the number of packages I bought. People have felt uncomfortable with what I eat, as well with what I don’t eat. People got stressed out by my way of writing about my life experiences, as well as by me leaving out meaningless and irrelevant details that don’t actually contribute to the storyline and would feel boring to the vast majority of readers. People have criticized how I’ve made money, as well as how much or how little I made on certain occasions. People have complained about me saying things that I’ve never said, and they’ve accused me of not giving them certain pieces of information that others, who were present at the time, clearly remembered me pointing out.
If you’re willing to listen, life will teach you a lot about the importance of being proficient at not giving a shit in strategic and expedient ways, which, by the way, for most people requires a decent amount of training. I’m not interested in pissing off people in general. However, I am intrigued by the idea to piss off those people whose interpretation of reality I want to keep as far away from my life as possible. They don’t even need to be aware of this. More often than not, it’s enough to piss these people off in my imagination. Admittedly, building this part of my mindset didn’t come particularly naturally to me, despite the fact that I felt certain it would give me an extraordinary level of freedom. Pleasing too many people can seriously hold you back. Obviously, no one can please everyone. So, if we like it or not, we pay a price for pleasing the wrong people, since even just making attempts to do so will often keep the right people away from us.
I have a board of “very special advisors” in my head who I occasionally consult with. Some of them either are, or have been at some point, friends and allies of mine. Others would rather qualify as people who, in a manner of speaking, never had my best interest at heart. In a way, and if I believed in playing the blame game, I could even say that many of them are making amends for the pain they’ve caused me in my past by unknowingly serving on this board. Whenever I get the impression that at least one of them perceives a goal that I’ve set, or an approach I’ve chosen to pursue, as problematic in rather specific ways, I know that I’m on the right track. I don’t get into discussions with them, as that would surely drain my energies. I just get their feedback. They work for free, and they don’t require any maintenance. The majority of these people don’t have any part in my life today, yet, I value their opinions as navigational points of reference. And, despite the fact that all of this can be considered a simple game of imagination, there is no doubt in my mind that this mental tool has served me tremendously well on countless occasions.
So, if you don’t mind me asking, who would you put on your board of “very special advisors”?
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