In everyday life, things don’t always work out as planned, intended, or hoped for. Therefore, it shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone that a lot of people are quite used to playing the blame game, which is essentially about taking one’s pick from five options. We can blame others. We can blame ourselves. We can share the blame. We can blame some kind of higher power. Or, we can tell ourselves that there’s no one to blame at all.
Most of us are aware that blaming isn’t sexy, but rather the kind of behavior that tends to reflect badly on us. So, when a person signs up on a dating platform and completes their profile, they wouldn’t likely include a statement like “I’m a great blamer, always willing to complain, lament, and reprimand in all tones from whiny, to preachy, to bossy.” We intuitively know that blaming proficiency isn’t something that the guy or woman of our dreams is likely to appreciate, so if a blame-focused attitude is indeed a fundamental part of how someone behaves in everyday life, we wouldn’t expect them to be overly upfront when it comes to admitting to it. Nevertheless, a lot of people have come to conclude that knowing who’s to blame, or not to blame, is crucially important, at least in certain situations. I see a discrepancy here that I don’t think should be taken lightly. So, let’s examine what blaming actually means.
Generally speaking, when we blame someone else for something that has happened, we affirm that they are the primary cause for either one or several occurrences that we don’t want to be subjected to. So, on some level and to some degree, we give our own power away. In comparison, if we blame ourselves, this most commonly means that we focus on feeling bad because of something we did, or didn’t do, or some decision we’ve either made or avoided. Thus, taking this approach is likely going to drain our energy. Then again, when people talk about sharing the blame, this typically boils down to them spending time figuring out what it is that they need to feel bad about and what part of the occasion is, or has been, beyond their control. Which, more often than not, is something people like to do when they try to find a way to shirk responsibility as well as avoid making necessary and fundamental changes to their life that would compel them to leave their comfort zone.
Yet again, if we come to conclude that a higher power – like fate, misfortune, some natural law, a spiritual entity, or the government – has to be considered the causal agent of an adverse or unfavorable situation that has happened, we’re basically insinuating that there’s something bigger and mightier than us that we acknowledge to have had more of a say in our negative experience than we’ve had ourselves. So, this can give us a welcome excuse for not having taken appropriate action, or, for not taking the kind of measures that will enable us to take more expedient action in the future. Last but not least, whenever people insist that there’s no one to blame, what they’re usually trying to point out is that things happened in unanticipated ways, implying that, at least under the circumstances given at the time of the event, no one involved could have been expected to predict and avert the course of upcoming events. Which, again, offers emotional relief and tends to reduce our perceived need for drawing necessary consequences and taking pertinent action.
Some people are rather convinced that we should always blame ourselves, as otherwise we’re doomed to waste time by focusing on aspects of reality that are beyond our control. This is a flawed perspective, yet, it isn’t entirely wrong. In the vast majority of cases, the more relevant it feels to someone to determine and point out the level of blame that needs to be allocated to any party involved, the less tenacity that blame-spreading person will be able to muster when it comes to contributing to a valid solution. On the other side of the coin, there’s no denying that people who are prone to mostly focusing on blaming themselves aren’t usually known for being particularly geared toward doing everything that’s in their power to create an intended outcome.
Let’s be honest. On some level, any form of blaming is only done because it makes people feel better about themselves, despite the fact that it doesn’t offer much of a positive, let alone sustainable contribution to any situation at hand. Blaming doesn’t solve problems, no matter how many excuses people come up with in order to justify that they’re doing it anyway. For many people, blaming is a habit that’s hard to shed. Apparently, there’s a mechanism inside our nervous system that somehow makes us believe that, as soon as the blame has been put on someone, or something, or even on ourselves, we’ve made an accomplishment, even if the reality right in front of us might not support this premise in any way.
I’m by no means saying you should prevent yourself from diligently assessing any situations you encounter, or dismiss the fact that it can be tremendously important to be able to figure out what exactly it is that has caused a problem or unwanted outcome. I’m merely saying that you need to be aware that any form of blaming, even if it appears to have intended and beneficial short-term effects, bears a lot of potential to daunt the people involved and make it harder to take expedient action. I’m saying that you shouldn’t lie to yourself by insisting that you’re merely assessing a situation when it’s indeed obvious that the approach you take when you’re addressing an issue is actually rigidifying the circumstances at hand, no matter how much satisfaction it might give you to position yourself as the “voice of reason”.
In everyday life, things aren’t always as easy to deal with as we’d like them to be, especially when we feel misjudged, abused, or maltreated, but also, for example, when a person who’s dear to us experiences harm. Nonetheless, once we yield to the temptation to express blame, we have no good reason to expect this to earn us any points. Obviously, there are all kinds of assholes and villains living on planet earth and I’m not saying you shouldn’t call them out on their shortcomings or evil ambitions. Equally obviously, it makes a lot of sense to pay a decent amount of attention to our own deficits as well as to whatever is it that we do, think, or feel that holds us back. Still, we shouldn’t get off on playing the blame game, wasting time that would be much better spent on harnessing the resources at our disposal in order to contribute to viable solutions as well as sustainable improvements and advancements as best we can.
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